Joren's Got Issues
by JWizB
Summary: A parody of the song She's Got Issues, by the Offspring. (Blame the Pringles for this one.)


**A/N: Random Musical Intervals in Tortall! Yay!  
  
I actually wrote this almost a month ago, on a ferry going from Dublin to Liverpool. *Random unrelated factoid about me: I ate a half of a can of Pringles on that one ferryride. That, actually, is most likely the reason why I wrote this.* I dunno why... I was listening to She's Got Issues and this popped into my head. Yes, I've read SQUIRE and I KNOW that Kel will never sing a musical number that shows Joren up for the sexist scum that he is, but... hey, a girl can dream, can't she?  
  
THINGS TO DO WHILST READING THIS:  
  
1. Play She's Got Issues very loudly so that you may scare the neighbors. Sing these words instead of the originals. (I did that myself. Is fun!)  
  
2. Review it, and wish Jehane a happy birthday- because on Nov. 2nd she'll be fourteen!  
  
3. Remember that Jehane owns none of the characters (what, all of... two?) in this parody, although she does wish she owned Kel. If she owned either, they'd probably hate her just like all of her other original characters do...  
  
  
  
JOREN'S GOT ISSUES  
  
  
  
*It's lunchtime in the page's hall, and all of the pages of Kel's year are at their table, eating and talking. A few of the fourth years are nearby, Joren among them. He looks directly at Kel, sniggering, and mutters something to the youth next to him. As he does so, music suddenly blares from an unseen source, its centerpoint seeming to be Kel. For a moment she looks confused, then glares at Joren and gets to her feet, holding a chicken leg in one hand and using it as a microphone. *  
  
Kel: Just because I'm a fighting girl  
  
Joren thinks I'm outta my mind.  
  
See, he's got baggage, and  
  
It's of the testosterone kind.  
  
He did the bullying thing  
  
And the "get married soon" bit.  
  
I don't mean to be insensitive  
  
But I really hate that shit.  
  
And I say yeah, yeah,  
  
Yeah, yeah,  
  
Oh, Joren's got issues and I'm gonna pay.  
  
Yeah, yeah,  
  
Yeah, yeah,  
  
Thinks men are the victims, yeah.  
  
Now I know that he'll feel unmanly  
  
If he doesn't beat people up  
  
And I know he loves the sound of his voice  
  
But I wish that he'd shut the hell up!  
  
And I say yeah, yeah,  
  
Yeah, yeah,  
  
Oh, Joren's got issues and I'm gonna pay.  
  
Yeah, yeah,  
  
Yeah, yeah,  
  
He thinks he's the victim and he takes it all out on me.  
  
*All this time, Kel has been slowly advancing upon Joren. As the sourceless music draws closer to him he looks increasingly uncomfortable, until he seems to be unable to stand the pressure. Throwing his head back, he bursts into song. *  
  
Joren: I don't know why you're messed up.  
  
I don't know why you can't wear a skirt.  
  
Do the world a favour  
  
And go sit down 'fore you get hurt!  
  
*Kel's upper lip curls. *  
  
Kel: Now he says that I'm a slut nonstop, but I don't mind,  
  
But when he says I should wed Raoul, that's where I draw the line.  
  
You've told me a hundred times that I gotta learn my place  
  
But I'm not gonna take your advice  
  
'Til you get that smirk off your face  
  
And I say yeah, yeah,  
  
Yeah, yeah,  
  
Oh Joren's got issues and I'm gonna pay.  
  
Yeah, yeah,  
  
Yeah, yeah,  
  
He's playing the victim and taking it all out on-  
  
Joren: Yeah, yeah,  
  
Yeah, yeah,  
  
Keladry's got issues and she's gonna pay,  
  
Gonna pay, gonna pay,  
  
Gonna pay, gonna pay,  
  
Gonna pay, gonna pay,  
  
Gonna pa-a-ay, whoa, yeah!  
  
*By this time Kel is right in front of her nemesis. She waves the chicken leg microphone to emphasize everything she says. *  
  
Kel: If you think that I'm worthless  
  
Then why do you bother acting tough?  
  
Joren: If you're such a great female  
  
Then why do you like to play rough?  
  
Kel: I don't know why you're messed up-  
  
Joren: I don't know why YOU can't wear a skirt-  
  
Kel: Do the world a favour-  
  
Both: AND GO SIT DOWN 'FORE YOU GET HURT! 


End file.
